10/4/07 2:30 pm

October 4, 2007 at 2:27 pm 14 comments

Mike greeted me this morning with a thank you when I walked into the room. I asked “what for?” and he said “for being you”. It was another jolt in a week that felt like a roller coaster of ups and downs too fast to process. Our kids were overtired and obnoxious at a family party Sunday night frustrating me with strong dislike for them and the need to instill compassion and obedience, those qualities that are so easy to quickly pummel into them, right? Monday I got the call that we could bring mike in by 7 am Tuesday for that baclofen trial we had been waiting for. Waking early, preparing mike, getting settled in the car, looking for parking, wheeling him & the feeding pump through the parking lots, getting lost in our 6th new hospital in which to master the layout, enduring the slow admitting process before finally reaching a room & bed for the day exhausted us before we even accomplished anything. Mike’s cries drew every nurse on the floor to our doorway as 4 people transported him from wheelchair to bed. I reassured them that he would ultimately be fine, this level of pain & frustration was nothing new on a hard day.

I will confess my other shame of the day. Every hospital asks if you would like a chaplain to visit during your stay. We have felt so loved and supported by the body of Christ at every turn in our own personal day to day community I simply decline the extra help from a stranger. Later on we were visited by this guy and I assumed he was a hospital provided Christian encourager. (isn’t that a ridiculous job title I just made up?) I was too worn to notice, care, speak, respond. He gave us a prayer and I simply didn’t engage hardly at all. Poor mike just gets off the hook letting me carry all conversation all day. Then when I started paying better attention to what the guy was saying I find out he IS from our church in Naperville and I am a complete idiot not recognizing or thanking him for driving all the way out to this 40 minutes away hospital to care for us. He graciously left us and I sat in my own guilt. How convicting to be caught being so dismissive, uncommunicative. People think nice things about me for no good reason and now the secret’s out—I am a jerk. I am rude. Mike got sick of my obsessing and said he would beat me up later so I could stop now.

The drug stuck into mike’s spine didn’t magically make his limbs move but the physical therapist did say that she didn’t feel the muscles fighting against her efforts as she maneuvered his extremities. Mike said he didn’t feel any pain but he doesn’t usually feel pain all the time so we will have to see the impact once he gets the pump and the medicine on a daily basis. I was unsure at first whether it had worked because his tendons and ligaments still hold his limbs captive and stiff. It was a slow sick feeling that began to creep into my gut as I watched her try to stretch his tight limbs. But I could see some looseness in certain tiny ways—his wrists had greater range, his weaker eye was able to open wider. She gave the green light for him to get the pump with the assessment that it could help along with intense therapy. We had to wait until the drug had worn off before we could leave & all hospital discharges go slow. Our hospital visit lasted 11 hours. It ended with good news but we were too numb, overwhelmed or tired to care much. And Wednesday was a mess of fights between us as we disagreed on how mike needed to approach his exercises. We both get angry and resort to inappropriate responses that shame me. So that brings me back to the welcome I got this morning from mike. He was on the edge of tears as we just felt the week’s weight catch up to us. Sometimes our gratitude is oddly enough as overwhelming as the struggles. It is wearying to be so thankful for so much. I think I do feel spent partly from just remembering that our marriage is a blessing, that mean words can be covered by grace, that we never deserved someone’s prayer but they will drive far and get snubbed just to offer it up. I opened 3 days worth of mail today and found the receipt of a $2000 anonymous deposit made to our account. Where do you put all that thanks? I am left with only the identity of our Redeemer who loves infuriating children, vulgar spouses, and cranky situations simply because He is So Worthy. So He is the only one I have to praise, glorify and ultimately rest in.
This is a whole lot of rambling messiness to share. People say they like honesty. Hopefully God can make sense of my senselessness. Amen & grace & thanks, michelle

Entry filed under: updates.

10/3/07 Test Passed ! 10/9/07 11:45 pm

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Brett Hersma  |  October 4, 2007 at 3:30 pm

    Michelle,

    Thank you for this modern day Psalm. God loves and appreciates your expressions of honesty, frustration, and praise. He is full of love for you today and every day.

    Reply
  • 2. Lynn Zak  |  October 4, 2007 at 6:19 pm

    Michelle,

    You are so allowed to have these days and thoughts and feelings…..we all have them without the struggles you and Mike endure. Thank you for always sharing your heart. I smile to think of you and Mike fighting. I can always go wtih you on one of these exhausting trips if you want the company……I am with you in spirit and prayer, we all are!

    Lynn

    Reply
  • 3. Melissa & Chad  |  October 4, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    God continues to use you to glorify himself. You are in our thoughts and prayers Melissa

    Reply
  • 4. Christian "encourager"  |  October 4, 2007 at 9:05 pm

    Dear Michelle,

    You should take no shame in misunderstanding whom I was. You were miles from home and in a different setting. The only concern on your mind was of Mike and this test. It was my honor to serve you and Mike by offering prayer in the name of our Father and Savior.

    I really think Mike was listening for you, so I will not allow you to put any guilt upon yourself. At the end of my visit Mike said volumes to my heart. Thank you Mike!

    I’ll introduce myself the coming weeks at Church.

    I am thankful for the outcome of the test, as this is yet another door opened by Him. The Zegarski family is in our thoughts and prayer.

    In Christ’s Love,

    Dan

    Reply
  • 5. Nancy Rice  |  October 5, 2007 at 7:26 am

    Be encouraged – your heart is so refreshingly open – you minister to us inspite of, and largely because of, your willingness to be so transparent. I too, thank you for being you!

    God’s creativity is so marvelous – how dull the world would be without your vibrancy!

    Reply
  • 6. Matt Koupal  |  October 5, 2007 at 10:32 am

    We love you guys so very much!

    Matt, JoAnne, Luke and Puttley

    Reply
  • 7. The Albaughs  |  October 5, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    I haven’t posted in a long time but know you guys are still right there in our prayers. Praise God for the successful procedure….for his grace that is so big that it swallows up every physical, emotional, spiritual weakness in us. HIs power, made perfect……
    love from the Albaughs

    Reply
  • 8. Heather Schmidt  |  October 5, 2007 at 1:28 pm

    As always I am amazed by all that you endure on a daily basis. As I have been studying Philippians and truly realize we are running a marathon. May this next stage in your training be fruitful. Know we are continually praying for you and all that you are enduring. God Bless!

    Love and prayers,
    Heather

    Reply
  • 9. Laura Tarro  |  October 5, 2007 at 9:17 pm

    ah, michelle, we love you. i think we love your honesty because it reminds us of things we feel all the time, but don’t have the guts to admit . . . and we’re not facing the same day-to-day pressure you’re under. i love that you are honest about how it feels to be slogging through the junk–not overly sanctimonious–you’re just straightforward about how hard it can be to trust God every day, even when you don’t know where he’s leading. it’s like hiking blindfolded at midnight sometimes, you have to hang on to your leader, because, really–what else are ya gonna do? i love when Jesus asks the disciples if they will leave him too and Peter responds: where else would we go? you have the words of eternal life. i love that that is faith enough. and we love you guys, we support your crap slogging : ) i should get a t-shirt!

    laura

    Reply
  • 10. Debbie Dixon  |  October 5, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    Dearest Michelle-THANK YOU for being transparent to us before God and transformed by the love of Christ that you see and feel from those who love you and Mike minute by minute each day. As Laura noted you express so eloquently what many of us feel each day as we raise children and experience life. Your confessions are therapeutic for many of us as we kneel before our Lord and Savior confessing our own shortcomings and accepting His forgiveness. You, Mike and the children remain greatly loved and mightily prayed over. We thank God for progess made and wait expectantly for Him to continue to heal Mike physically. Bless you. Debbie

    Reply
  • 11. kari rodriguez  |  October 6, 2007 at 7:28 am

    Michelle,
    We love you, and lift you and your family up in prayer daily.

    As always thanks for being you, REAL!!

    Love,
    Karin and famiy

    Reply
  • 12. KURT FEDERSCHMIDT  |  October 6, 2007 at 8:31 am

    MICHELLE AND YET IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS YOU LED A WILDLIFE MEETING ON THURSDAY NIGHT AND CONTINUED TO IMPART GOD’S GRACE AND MERCY ON OUR CHILDREN. WOW WHAT A BLESSING YOU ARE! KELLY CAME HOME AND WE TALKED ABOUT THE STUDY ON HOW SOMETIMES TOUGH THINGS ARE ALL PART OF THE PLAN GOD HAS FOR US, HOW APPROPRIATE! OUR PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS CONTINUE TO BE WITH YOU, MIKE, AND THE KIDS. KURT

    Reply
  • 13. Emily  |  October 6, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    All I can say is – wow….Your honesty strikes such a deep cord with me…That you continue to move ahead with grace and dignity is PROOF that God is sooo working in this world…I guess we will never, ever understand on this side of Heaven the whys, but He continues to answer for you the”Hows”….and that would be one day at a time. You live that as an example for all of us to follow, and I am willing to admit that I do not do this very well. Thank you for showing the way. Look forward to seeing you sometime soon.

    Love,

    Emily

    Reply
  • 14. Steve Fisher  |  October 9, 2007 at 3:21 pm

    Hello Michelle:

    Mike is right: “thank you, Michelle, for being you!”

    God loves, wants and uses all of us dirt-balls! Some of us dirt-balls are delt hands that are easy to play and we still whine. Some dirt-balls are delt impossible, seemingly, unplayable hands, and we (unmerited whiners) understand and allow dirt from them, with imperfect grace. “What is impossible with man, is possible with God.”

    We see the impossible being possible because you are willling to be and admit your “dirt-ballness”. Oh, that we could be more like you……like Him.

    Bless you,

    Steve

    Reply

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