Archive for October 30, 2007

barely 10/30/07

we have a surgical followup appointment today. And we have a marianjoy rehabilitation evaluation appointment Nov 7 next week. i assume today will be uneventful as they check how wounds are healing. and my hope for next week is that they will see great potential for mike and admit him as inpatient for the usual month or so. my hope is not that rehab will “fix” mike in any way (that is a long-term , babystep proposition still), but i do hope it will motivate, invigorate, encourage him to pour his whole heart into getting better. it is hard to interpret him as i sit on the sidelines of his life. what i perceive is listlessness. i see him sometimes talking aloud, anunciating, then falling back to a garbled whisper. i bully and push and demand his efforts and i don’t see consistent gain. he is pain free and my life is easier because of it but mike doesn’t share much aloud about how it makes a difference with him. to be honest, it is almost as frustrating to me as when he was in pain. i want him to do more, to be more grateful, to praise God. and i have a hard time being patient or compassionate when i feel so sure he could try harder, especially now that he is virtually pain-free. but the truth is i have no real proof he is not doing his best, only my best guess. so my prayer today is not as much for these physical gains that i have been grasping after but for an emotional and relational connection between mike and i. i feel distant and annoyed with him and can offer little gracious encouragement when i am coming at him with perpetual judgement. as i thought again today about what options i have to kick his butt into action i realized i was not truly surrendering his attitude and my disappointment with him to God. i want mike to do things my way but how different to ask God to change ME to best serve us both, not to change mike. truly, i don’t feel like i should have to change at all but that’s usually my best clue that i am all in the wrong and desperately in need of God’s transforming grace. so, against my best judgement, i guess i can ask you to ask God to change me, to give me more gentleness, more grace, more love, all that i lack, to share with mike. and that God would have charge of mike’s heart and drive as well. amen, michelle

October 30, 2007 at 12:30 am 8 comments


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