what more looks like tonight
i am sitting writing a couple thank yous late at night when everyone else is tucked in. thank yous sit in a pile and haunt me most of my life. there is pretty much always a fresh list of people to acknowledge for something special. honestly, i don’t run to write thank yous. but it is not completely accurate to say i avoid it as a chore. after sitting here a while i realize i avoid it because it is a weighty and emotionally charged thing for me to sit and translate all i receive in terms of support, encouragement, community, faith-inflating, stamina, relationship, truth from all which this body of Christ has been giving to our family. I cry while writing. I pray and praise while writing. I thank God for these instruments he uses to infiltrate our hardened, hopeless moments, to shock us with his wealth, his compassion, his blessing. a note will never be enough for people to grasp how God uses them in my family’s life. so while i write i pray that heaven will show them how God used them so very well with us.
so one thank you i wrote is a repeat. to someone who is a birthday and Christmas giver. her regularity almost makes it underappreciated. until my memory tries to summarize who she is with my picture of her every Christmas as the one in my pile of relatives who cuts into the traditions. Our lifelong habit is to have one person in a room of 25 or so open a present at a time and the wait will kill a 5 year old. my mind’s picture is her yelling, “open, another!” with the permission only an elder can grant to dig in, relish it, and taste what more is. so the paper flies and everyone gets the occasional freebie where we all dig in at once in a deluge of more than we deserve, more than we need.
i know i update so rarely many may not even ever visit back to find these words. but i am in a place tonight of wanting to describe more. more is often what keeps me from updating. on one hand, if i don’t have new novel progress with mike to report i don’t know what to update about. so i am waiting, paralyzed for more. mike waits too, paralyzed for more, still begging for more prayer from each person he rubs shoulders with in life. still dictating his ideas for a job he no longer has. still planning his life for the day after he walks out of that room in the middle of the night, awoken by the miraculous restoration he is sure God has promised. it is hard to feel like describing that tired desire for more as an update.
but more is also mckaela crawling up on daddy’s lap during church today and staying put. mike’s wheelchair was reclined and every once in a while, not that often, she claims his lap for her own. she is 8 and the size of her only fits if he stays reclined (which is his preferred position anyhow). but when it was time to sit him up to roll out after the ended worship service, mckaela was unwilling to leave. so we chatted and distracted ourselves– sure she would move soon enough. we probably stayed an extra 20 minutes at least. because mckaela wanted more. and if i ever doubt why this might be the extent God has given mike back what he seeks, i think this feels like more than enough today. this is way more.
christmas was only slightly easier this year compared to the last couple. i have trained myself to expect little in terms of it all going according to my dreams. the truth is mike is most content at home as much as possible even if it means missing out on family celebrations. and i am unwilling to miss out on family celebrations. it was hard to admit that we were best apart for these holidays like thanksgiving and christmas eve. and then we spent christmas day all together at home. but that tries my patience as mike and i disagree on what each moment should look like in terms of how he combats discomfort and engages with family. the truth is i wanted more. so God showed me what that looked like christmas night with family friends who have delivered themselves along with christmas dinner the last few years. they brought conversation, forgiveness, laughter, patience, honesty into our strained holiday and it was better than ever, more than i expected or hoped. so much more as every member of our little family sat or wheeled up to the kitchen table to eat and talk and play games together with their family. it ended up feeling like more than enough.
wanting and experiencing more is an idea i know i will continue to dwell on as i wonder what God intends for mike and for our family. thank you for keeping with us in these years of our journey. and praise God that he so often caps our complaint for more with more than enough.
Entry filed under: updates.