Archive for April, 2012


not limited or partial : entire, unqualified . 2. : not cautious or reticent : frank, open. 3. : not set aside for special use.
I have had a lot of thoughts jostling in my head like caged animals lately and didn’t get the chance to let them out until now.
First, I have been thinking about the word unreserved and how it seems to describe Mike to me in a lot of ways. I looked up the definition to be sure it really did pertain to him. And it certainly does in ways I might be quick to judge negatively and am learning to discover as strengths as well. Mike has always been a devoted worker, a motivating boss and pretty intentional about his home projects as well. He has seemed unreserved in the way he tackles all of these areas head-on without much break. Sometimes, as an employee of his I wished he would be a bit more reserved in what he expected of me as maybe my coworkers felt as well. At home, I wished he would maybe wait until we really had enough time to fully devote to a project before ripping out a wall. But you couldn’t really hold Mike back. He was… unreserved.
Mike is still pretty unreserved in some ways. Over these years since his brain bleed he has been unreserved in his conversations with others. Sometimes that has taken the form of a prying kind of interest in your sin life, a counselor’s stance on your life choices, or the Holy Spirit’s urging of conviction for your spiritual goals. Not that this can’t be helpful to some, but I was not a fan even on the sidelines of how little Mike was willing to reserve in these conversations with others. But I couldn’t really hold Mike back.
The other area Mike’s unreserved nature shines is in his prayer life. You have not seen Mike if you have not prayed with him for his total, unreserved healing. He would never let you escape even with your commitment to pray for him daily for the rest of your life. He demands you pray with him right then and there for all he is asking of God–his total miraculous, restorative healing. Sometimes this bothers me too. It feels like he should have some reserve.
Personally, I kind of like reservations. Who wants to wait around hungry for seats in a restaurant? I plan things reservedly. I don’t make promises I am not sure I can keep. I don’t tell my kids our plans until they are truly in motion. I avoid disappointment by not counting on things too early. It is a protective habit. I feel safer that way. But this man I married flouts all that. He lives like he knows what is coming.
Now, before you give him too much credit, know that I am usually right more often than him. The benefit of not saying something is happening before it does is you get close to 100% accuracy. But for whatever reason lately I am sensing a benefit to Mike’s abandon.
Here is my sense from God, I think. Mike doesn’t concern himself with being right. So he is wrong a lot. But he doesn’t concern himself with that either, really. When he makes a prediction that he will be healed in 5 days (and we have gone through that countless times over the years) he doesn’t revisit that mistake. If pushed then he might acknowledge that he must have misunderstood God. So what DOES Mike concern himself with? Unreserved prayer. Unreserved faith. He honestly abandons any misgivings and puts all his hopes and desires and belief in the sovereignty and compassion of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And whether his timeframe is off or not, there is something pretty beautiful about the way Mike has spent a lifetime practicing his unreservedness before God.
It is something that has even begun to tempt me.
May you get a glimpse of Mike’s view of God– his shameless, amplified, bold view of the One who holds Mike and me, and you, in his hands.

One little extra tangent… Mike’s 40 days of birthday visitors has been an unreserved success! It has been such a delight to him to reconnect with old friends and Young Life club kids from Ohio and Illinois, to be surprised by the mystery guest of the day, to joke, to reminisce, to pray and mutually encourage. It has been his favorite gift of a lifetime. Thanks to all of you who slotted yourselves into the schedule to make it work and don’t feel confined to this finite event as a means for a visit. If you weren’t able to maneuver a day within the month, then plot another time to connect with Mike by Skype or phone or even in person. He will probably be going through withdrawal as soon as our schedule ends its course and you could be the one that delights his day. And if this broke the ice with you then certainly visit again! Either way, thank you for the care and joy you share with our family! It has been an unreserved blessing!

AND I should probably be setting this into a separate post but I am no professional at this so I will tack it on here. We have been utterly STUNNED at how God has used so many to fund our caregiver goal for covering the next 2 years. (If this is new to you, the January 2012 video on the right of the homepage can explain more).
Over $47,000 thus far has come in. In addition, Mike and I were able to consolidate some existing family funds into the trust which turned out to be about $15,000. All in all, the medical trust is now at $62,000! This provides a sizeable window to think through the next stage of Mike’s recovery. Thank you all so very much for your concern and generosity.
If you have not given and would still like to, please know that it is still important and helpful. If the 2 years of care can be stretched to 3, it simply adds time to plan and for Mike to recover before additional decisions are needed.
To give to the trust, make checks payable to “Trustee of Zegarski Gift Trust” and send to Dan Zegarski; 7522 Wetherfield Dr; Maineville, OH 45039.

April 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm 2 comments


I should be better at seeing it coming but I am not.  I still get caught off guard, knocked down, wondering what I should do.

It has happened a few times over the last couple of years and I do practice figuring out warning signs so I can be better prepared, less decimated the next time.  But I have yet to feel prepared.

Counselor types have told me it sounds like “emotional flooding”.  That sounds about right.  Basically, I may have been working more than average and things start to pile up, throw some unusual circumstances in like a holiday (especially holidays) or a trip and all of a sudden one day I find myself crying and unable to think of anything but bed.  Sometimes I have been driving and gotten lost.  Sometimes I have gone mute, unable to will myself to speak to anyone.  Every time there is the uncontrolled sobbing.  And the sleep.  And the mix of feelings from anger, to sadness to blame to guilt to hopelessness.

I spoke to my sister and she referred to the dangerous illusion that I might think I have things under control.  That this is what happens when I realize I don’t.  That didn’t seem accurate to me.  I am well aware how little I control.  I think I work hard at accepting my lack of control and then work just as hard at making the most of my response to the uncontrolled.

Isaiah 64:6 came to me…

All of us have become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags;
we all shrivel up like a leaf,
and like the wind our sins sweep us away.
This I could relate to.  I feel like I am working hard at my responsibilities and making the best of my circumstances, caring for those around me as well as I can.  And it suddenly dawns on me that all I am holding is filthy rags.  It is not enough.  It is never enough.  My efforts to gather these filthy rags take a lot out of me and all of a sudden I am worn out and finally notice that I have used what precious little I had to procure these filthy rags.  And so I break apart with the knowledge of my need.

There is nothing to do but curl up with my rags and wait for Jesus to find me.  I despise how incapable I am to get up and function but I cannot deny the fact.

Psalm 130:1-8

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2 Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

7 Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

This pursuit of righteousness can never succeed apart from the Holy Spirit at work within me.  My efforts will always turn out to be rags compared to what is needed–the King’s robes to wrap me and surround me as I approach all responsibility, all care for others, all efforts at anything as service to my Lord, empowered by my King.

But today is another day to be flooded, first by tears, then by His peace.  When I run out, He fills up.

April 28, 2012 at 3:31 pm Leave a comment


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