12/26/10 not my best

December 27, 2010 at 12:01 am 4 comments

just realized i have not updated since october. running into people during this season sets me toward trying to summarize how mike is doing, how our family is doing… this season also makes me want to hope, want to risk, want to be positive. but the truth is not always purely hopeful. contemplating today, i felt the phrase best describing how life sometimes starts to feel is as if the whole thing is a salvage effort. this year has indeed been the best year so far for mike. he is stronger and healthier than ever. he has made some great strides in gaining more head control, torso control and even working on taking steps (with a lot of help). but all of that happened through forcing him into a new schedule. this october he took his first trip since his injury to ohio for his 20th high school reunion and golf outing. but i couldn’t even ride in the car with him out of fear for my own sanity in that trapped setting with him. i am more hopeful than ever for what he may still be able to work on and master physically but i have virtually stopped having any conversations with him out of danger of my own emotional collapse. we have made wise and healthy changes in adding caregivers and fuller caregiver coverage but it doesn’t seem to alleviate the strain of perpetually unlimited neediness from mike. i know God has set immense blessings around us to sustain us on harder days and through more painful years but some days still feel like a salvage effort. i am sure that a week from now the christmas story and its own beautiful summary as a salvage effort will penetrate the emotional numbness that sets in when i have been overwhelmed by frustrating interactions with mike. i am sure that my comprehension of God’s love will be complimented by my enveloping experience of his love if i am but patient. so today i rest in truth more than pleasantries. God loved me yesterday when i cried, today when i recovered and tomorrow when i return to worship. he loved mike yesteryear in seeming wholeness, today in brokenness, and tomorrow in fulfillment of his goodness in mike’s life. i am worn though i have had much sleep. and we wait for God’s love to penetrate the clouds. i pray your christmas brought you family, connection and an awe of your Creator come down. thanks for walking a wearying road with us, michelle

Entry filed under: updates.

what a weekend! 10/12/10 2/10/11 tend

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barbara Gobrail  |  December 28, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Having just completed Advent, I can understand the darkness and seamingly hopelessness of the season. The color of vestments for Advent are blue, a blue that is often depicted as a light blue which does not add to my understanding of the season. But in 2008, after the death earlier in the year of my husband, I realized that the color of blue was to be like the night sky – dark blue- the darkness of waiting for the dawn to come. Your posting speaks to me of that darkness, that overwhelming sense of hopelessness, yet it is filled with the realization that Jesus is with us amist the darkness and the light will come! I just need to stay faithful to Him! Michelle, don’t give up, He is here with us, struggling to support us.

    Reply
  • 2. Steve Fisher  |  January 4, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Hello Michelle:

    I was heading for a useless “Favorite”, when I saw Zegarski and once again wondered why I don’t check every day. So I read once again, the most honest heart I know. (But I really don’t know your heart, really) Then I see that in 10 days only one other has commented, she being way more wise and prompt.

    I have no sage words for one who suffers with grace; for one who loves in the darkness; for one who rejoices in the future and yet struggles in the present. I don’t want to be like Job’s friends who speak without knowledge of the truth. I want to be a friend you can count on and yet I am so very far away, in more ways than distance. There are times that I want to pick up the phone and call, but wonder if it is appropriate.

    So I will offer what I can. The little drummer boy of 2011 I am. If you want to talk, anytime, then you call me. 360-509-1921. I will pray again for a miracle, not in Mike’s life but yours.

    Steve

    Reply
  • 3. Matt Koupal  |  January 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    What can be said about a long, weary road? Our culture allows pain and troubles, but demands quick solutions. Sometimes quick doesn’t come despite all our best prayers and human efforts. Then what? In Christ Alone, as the songwriter says. Being loved on by those around you doesn’t hurt. Which is what we do for you as best as we can and as inadequate as that is.

    We love you. No matter what.

    Reply
  • 4. Matt Koupal  |  February 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    Praying for you guys 🙂

    Matt

    Reply

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