Archive for December 27, 2010

12/26/10 not my best

just realized i have not updated since october. running into people during this season sets me toward trying to summarize how mike is doing, how our family is doing… this season also makes me want to hope, want to risk, want to be positive. but the truth is not always purely hopeful. contemplating today, i felt the phrase best describing how life sometimes starts to feel is as if the whole thing is a salvage effort. this year has indeed been the best year so far for mike. he is stronger and healthier than ever. he has made some great strides in gaining more head control, torso control and even working on taking steps (with a lot of help). but all of that happened through forcing him into a new schedule. this october he took his first trip since his injury to ohio for his 20th high school reunion and golf outing. but i couldn’t even ride in the car with him out of fear for my own sanity in that trapped setting with him. i am more hopeful than ever for what he may still be able to work on and master physically but i have virtually stopped having any conversations with him out of danger of my own emotional collapse. we have made wise and healthy changes in adding caregivers and fuller caregiver coverage but it doesn’t seem to alleviate the strain of perpetually unlimited neediness from mike. i know God has set immense blessings around us to sustain us on harder days and through more painful years but some days still feel like a salvage effort. i am sure that a week from now the christmas story and its own beautiful summary as a salvage effort will penetrate the emotional numbness that sets in when i have been overwhelmed by frustrating interactions with mike. i am sure that my comprehension of God’s love will be complimented by my enveloping experience of his love if i am but patient. so today i rest in truth more than pleasantries. God loved me yesterday when i cried, today when i recovered and tomorrow when i return to worship. he loved mike yesteryear in seeming wholeness, today in brokenness, and tomorrow in fulfillment of his goodness in mike’s life. i am worn though i have had much sleep. and we wait for God’s love to penetrate the clouds. i pray your christmas brought you family, connection and an awe of your Creator come down. thanks for walking a wearying road with us, michelle

December 27, 2010 at 12:01 am 4 comments


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