Archive for April 4, 2010

still barely april 3, 2010

to shorten up a big thing, mike sometimes annoys me a little with a lot of question about numbers i can’t answer or future events i can’t predict or adapting something for him that can’t fix the misfired brain messages i think might be the real problem.  the more days that go by without some significant buffers to absorb this interaction the more impatient i get.  mike and i spent a lot of time together this week and i didn’t realize the impact until i was picking up my kids who had been overnighting at my sisters in the southwest suburbs.  i missed my exit.  then i missed my next exit.  and finally i missed my next exit.  no radio on.  no cell phone conversation.  just a brain incapable of accomplishing a habitual, simple task.  so i called our friends who have been goal setting, solution seeking with us and said i cannot keep up with mike right now.  so today we moved him to our friends’, justin and megan’s house for a while.  i was kind of removed from the last 40 hours of prepping him to move and just helped this afternoon in the physical process.  i could not believe something as large as moving mike could happen so quickly and well.  the room they had ready was perfect and lovely and quickly equipped. 

yet as stunned as i was by how smoothly getting his hospital bed rigged back together and supplies stocked had gone, nothing could wholly distract from the ugliness of this point.  i feel ok, not crazy.  i am just burnt out with mike.  i could describe the litany that is behind all that but the details don’t matter.  my breaking point is past and we will work on getting some other systems in place without me as the lynchpin.  but it is embarassing and sad to need to create this break on easter weekend, to be grateful that someone else’s lovely family will be caring for mike’s needs and celebrating with him rather than his own.  i am still processing my own feelings and trying to not downplay the necessity of this move.  and mike is mad and frustrated and stubborn in the midst.  we had discussed this as an option more than a month ago if we could not keep the peace at our home in regard to him.  but neither of us really braced for this reality.  and it is a sudden sentence despite the warning signs.  our kids have taken it in stride.  they seem anxietyless and we are counting on visits to stay connected.

please pray…

for mike as he feels angry, as he processes a world not within his control, for megan and justin as they fill in the gap in such a monumental and demanding way, for support for all 3 in terms of food and social needs, for a quick resolution to finding caregivers to cover all shifts of mike’s care (megan and justin work full time so this making do without full care cannot work indefinitely), for mcKaela, eli and me as we tiptoe into some very different days in our house unsure of how to feel.  i remembered tonight that i have not been alone in our house like this since mike’s hospital stays and i can’t even dredge up memories of life before that.  it is a weird place.  thank God with us for the friends who have surrounded us to act quickly with full support, leaving no detail unmet.  and simply pray for the strange horror and hope in this saturday before easter where good friday has broken us but we haven’t woken up to sunday’s resurrection.  have a happy easter and may your joy spread, michelle

April 4, 2010 at 12:08 am 6 comments


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