long awaited semi-update august 13, 2009

August 13, 2009 at 12:49 am 9 comments

It is so hard to feel like writing something new when it feels like everything I have to say is old.  We are in one of our plateau times when we are simply settling into the latest significant development.  Mike began eating without restrictions Easter weekend and has been getting smoother at it ever since.  On occasion he will still cough with liquids and I threaten that I will ban him from liquids again if he doesn’t keep his spit in his mouth since controlling saliva is supposed to be a prerequisite for passing the swallow test in the first place.  Life often feels like we have passed a certain point of accomplishment only to go backwards again.  It is hard for me to remember that conquering something one day doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on the next.  Like celebrating your infant sleeping through the night and then feeling so crushed when you are woken up at 2 am the next night.  I have finally come to the realization that mike will also have ups and downs with sleeping through the night.  He might go 6 months of good sleep and then start calling for muscle stretching at 2 am for a week straight until I simply stop responding and let him hash it out on his own.  There is certainly a hardship within our relationship of wanting to love him well but not so indulgently that it either burns me out or doesn’t put him in a position of stretching his own abilities.  And I have come to a realization that my dreams of mike making the most of his disability and participating in a full life to the best of his ability is a new place of surrender for me.  Honestly, mike is only interested in a complete and immediate healing.  He is sure that is what God has promised him.  I hear God’s promise less audibly and sense it more in the evidence of his slow and amazing miracles bit by bit along the way.  So I assume God could do amazing things within mike’s disabilities and mike does not feel like that would fulfill what God has promised to him.  it would not be enough for mike.  Within those different assumptions about God’s interaction in our lives mike and I are motivated in different directions.  He prefers to invest most in prayer.  I desire him to invest more in the abilities that have been returned to him.  we both think we are choosing what is best but each best uses up the reserves of motivation he has.  Like God said– you can’t choose God and money—you can’t divide yourself up between passions that compete.  This pushing from me exhausts me and antagonizes him.  so for now I am surrendering the fight.  I cannot make mike want to sit in his wheelchair longer in order to gain more interaction with people he cares about.  I can remind him of the fruits of building up a longer tolerance for his wheelchair that can lead to a trip to Cincinnati.  But I cannot make him see the cause and effect if he simply believes he will be healed by the time he wants to go.  If he will be healed by then he has no reason to get used to the chair.  For the sake of our relationship I am working on not trying to force him to see reality as I see it.  That is beyond my control and my fighting has never yet helped.  There are opportunities for mike that he simply does not want to commit to.  It is hard to even choose the right words to describe this without editorializing.  I could say mike is not yet ready for these opportunities or that he chooses to refuse opportunities or that he cannot recognize them as opportunities.  For whatever reason, I believe mike could do more than he is.  So, yes, months go by with little change and still so much potential and writing about it makes me ponder my own frustration with that stagnation.  I have yet to be angry with God over our circumstances but when it feels like mike is choosing to stay less able than he could I do get angry with him.  but it is a daily reality and my current coping mechanism is just trying to let go of my ideal and accept mike as is, wherever he wants to remain.  This already seems redundant and too long which is why I avoid writing.

Besides that dilemma between mike’s and my dreams for approaching our future, we are all 4 healthy.  Our kids are growing and playing and monstrous and delightful just as it should be.  Summer has been so much fun and we are approaching a crazy schedule adjustment as mckaela starts full day 1st grade this year…yikes!  And the times mike is convinced to venture outside he has enjoyed emceeing the kids’ baseball game on our front lawn with his little microphone amplifier, being fed drippy, melting popsicles, and watching sprinkler mayhem.  Life is so good, right?

Thanks as always, for praying persistently that mike would prove correct and would get the shape of miracle he desires.  Praise God for all he has done, michelle z

Entry filed under: updates.

may 25, 2009 8/31/09

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Barbara Gobrail  |  August 13, 2009 at 9:26 am

    I am known to comment on “the God of many surprises.” So often, my plans do not seem to agree with what the Lord has in mind. I understand Mike’s wanting to be healed – we went through similar wants, desires with Mak’s terminal illness. The helplessness is what I (you) can offer because we can do nothing else. Love makes all this meaningful, but not understandable!
    I continue to pray for all of you!

    Reply
  • 2. Beth Ann Hunter  |  August 13, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Hi my friend, I’m wanting to wish you a happy birthday! Its been ages since I’ve checked up on you guys and to think there is a new blog on here from today! I’m sure you have so much on your plate. Your honestly always refreshes me and I’m praying for your endurance and knowledge of God’s peace as always. I’m glad your kids are doing well! I bet they are such a huge blessing (and drain at times– I know that!)

    You’re in our prayers!

    Reply
    • 3. Beth Ann Hunter  |  August 21, 2009 at 2:54 pm

      Hey Michelle, just wanted you to know we’re sending you a book that I found so encouraging. It doesn’t relate directly to your situation but I found the principles so awesome (and its a great read). There won’t be a note on it as its sent from NavPress but just wanted you to know it was from us. Its called “When I lay my Isaac down.” By the way I don’t even have your email address anymore.

      Take care, Beth Ann

      Reply
  • 4. Lynda Bredeweg  |  August 13, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Hi Michelle…..You came to mind today as I checked my email….and to my surprise an update TODAY! Just know that you were prayed for today by someone in Benton Harbor, Michigan. God bless you, Michelle. May God continue to sustain you.

    Reply
  • 5. Steve Fisher  |  August 14, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Hello Michelle and Mike:

    I was so absorbed with summer camp that when I stumbled on your name in my contacts, I gasped. I have not looked for a new posting for weeks! I felt so guilty not having kept up. Then to my surprise, I was only 1 day off – the Lord has a funny way of reminding us of what is important. You guys are. We wll keep praying for a miraculous healing and will feel it is miraculous if it occurs day-by-day with more time in the wheel chair, etc.

    Love, Steve

    Reply
  • 6. Connie and Tim Bultema  |  August 15, 2009 at 12:00 am

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our amazing, beautiful, courageous, dependable, exciting, faith-filled, grateful, headstrong, independent, joy-filled, kind, lovely, matchless, nature-loving, organized, prayerful, quirky, resilient, selfless, truth-loving, uncommon, virtuous, welcoming, eXceptional, young-at-heart, zealous bicentennial baby!!! We love you and celebrate you today and always. Mom and Dad

    Reply
  • 7. Mitzi K  |  August 16, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Hi Michelle,
    I was so glad to see your post; I love hearing updates regardless of any big changes. Thanks for sharing your family and your self. We’ll pray for Mike’s full and immediate healing. We’d love to see you guys – as work lets up a little, Naperville sounds like a great plan.
    Mitzi

    Reply
  • 8. emily bishop  |  August 27, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    Michelle,
    I always devour your posts and have to re-read them to let your poignant words sink in….I cannot begin to fathom what you feel when Mike waits for the miracle that God can provide, but has yet to deliver…while you live in the reality and difficulties of the daily living…There are not words to express how I am in awe of you. I come home from long days in the high school classroom and as a coach, and have a chance to recover….Your responsibilities are never-ending and relentless…but I am so thankful that your precious and precocious children provide the comic relief and focus to move forward….May God keep on keeping on in you with you and THROUGH you!

    Reply
  • 9. James Granger  |  September 5, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Hello Michelle! Praying for you and Mike. I, too, have opportunities God puts in my life I simply don’t want to commit to. Generally it’s due to the inconvenience of it all…I forget who God is and who He has made me to be. Thanks for the humbling and powerful reminder! It was great to see you at TWL and watch you love your girls…hope our paths cross again soon.

    Reply

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