Archive for August, 2009

8/31/09

hey, i was just encouraged this morning and figured-well, if i have even something small to share, then that’s something.  mike was intent on getting his hour in his stander before our dr appt today and was negotiating with don about the right time to fit that in.  i piped in, you know, maybe think about stretching that hour to see how long you could stay in (as i always do say, over and over, month after month…) and they said mike did 2 hours friday and saturday.  i am so glad not because i am too sure that 2 hours has any significantly greater impact than 1 hour but i was so excited that mike aimed for something here on earth.  so i felt encouraged.  they also began to brag about how he is getting better at lifting his legs up off the bed a few inches–he can succeed well at 10 attempts which is a wonderful goal.  with God all things are possible.  thanks for your prayer and care, michelle

August 31, 2009 at 9:19 am 4 comments

long awaited semi-update august 13, 2009

It is so hard to feel like writing something new when it feels like everything I have to say is old.  We are in one of our plateau times when we are simply settling into the latest significant development.  Mike began eating without restrictions Easter weekend and has been getting smoother at it ever since.  On occasion he will still cough with liquids and I threaten that I will ban him from liquids again if he doesn’t keep his spit in his mouth since controlling saliva is supposed to be a prerequisite for passing the swallow test in the first place.  Life often feels like we have passed a certain point of accomplishment only to go backwards again.  It is hard for me to remember that conquering something one day doesn’t necessarily have any bearing on the next.  Like celebrating your infant sleeping through the night and then feeling so crushed when you are woken up at 2 am the next night.  I have finally come to the realization that mike will also have ups and downs with sleeping through the night.  He might go 6 months of good sleep and then start calling for muscle stretching at 2 am for a week straight until I simply stop responding and let him hash it out on his own.  There is certainly a hardship within our relationship of wanting to love him well but not so indulgently that it either burns me out or doesn’t put him in a position of stretching his own abilities.  And I have come to a realization that my dreams of mike making the most of his disability and participating in a full life to the best of his ability is a new place of surrender for me.  Honestly, mike is only interested in a complete and immediate healing.  He is sure that is what God has promised him.  I hear God’s promise less audibly and sense it more in the evidence of his slow and amazing miracles bit by bit along the way.  So I assume God could do amazing things within mike’s disabilities and mike does not feel like that would fulfill what God has promised to him.  it would not be enough for mike.  Within those different assumptions about God’s interaction in our lives mike and I are motivated in different directions.  He prefers to invest most in prayer.  I desire him to invest more in the abilities that have been returned to him.  we both think we are choosing what is best but each best uses up the reserves of motivation he has.  Like God said– you can’t choose God and money—you can’t divide yourself up between passions that compete.  This pushing from me exhausts me and antagonizes him.  so for now I am surrendering the fight.  I cannot make mike want to sit in his wheelchair longer in order to gain more interaction with people he cares about.  I can remind him of the fruits of building up a longer tolerance for his wheelchair that can lead to a trip to Cincinnati.  But I cannot make him see the cause and effect if he simply believes he will be healed by the time he wants to go.  If he will be healed by then he has no reason to get used to the chair.  For the sake of our relationship I am working on not trying to force him to see reality as I see it.  That is beyond my control and my fighting has never yet helped.  There are opportunities for mike that he simply does not want to commit to.  It is hard to even choose the right words to describe this without editorializing.  I could say mike is not yet ready for these opportunities or that he chooses to refuse opportunities or that he cannot recognize them as opportunities.  For whatever reason, I believe mike could do more than he is.  So, yes, months go by with little change and still so much potential and writing about it makes me ponder my own frustration with that stagnation.  I have yet to be angry with God over our circumstances but when it feels like mike is choosing to stay less able than he could I do get angry with him.  but it is a daily reality and my current coping mechanism is just trying to let go of my ideal and accept mike as is, wherever he wants to remain.  This already seems redundant and too long which is why I avoid writing.

Besides that dilemma between mike’s and my dreams for approaching our future, we are all 4 healthy.  Our kids are growing and playing and monstrous and delightful just as it should be.  Summer has been so much fun and we are approaching a crazy schedule adjustment as mckaela starts full day 1st grade this year…yikes!  And the times mike is convinced to venture outside he has enjoyed emceeing the kids’ baseball game on our front lawn with his little microphone amplifier, being fed drippy, melting popsicles, and watching sprinkler mayhem.  Life is so good, right?

Thanks as always, for praying persistently that mike would prove correct and would get the shape of miracle he desires.  Praise God for all he has done, michelle z

August 13, 2009 at 12:49 am 9 comments


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