Archive for May, 2009

may 25, 2009

sorry if i freaked some people out from the last post.  in my eyes i was just letting you know the newer challenges within the last few months but i felt like it made it seem like an immediate emergency from some feedback i got.  which is a little bit funny because i feel like what seems an immediate emergency from the outside has become our daily norm.  honestly, thinking about it that way is a little scary!  but my break from home was wonderful and freeing.  we are getting used to if not good at or patient with the scenario of getting everyone fed every day.  my kids are running amok in the neighborhood on the days while i feed mike hoping i will glimpse them through the window every 10 minutes or so instead of wondering about their safety.  and the days where gracious friends feed mike allows me the freedom to at least supervise our 3 and 5 year old as they give in to the call of warm days playing outside.  it is a good thing i am not prone to overworrying or this really might not be working out.  and as mcKaela described to me about my skill of getting everyone fed or cared for in a day, “it’s a good thing God helps you”.  all i could say was Amen.  mike, meanwhile, is great at getting his own cup to his mouth so he can down some liquids at his own pace on his own.  he finished his april round of speech therapy which mostly ended around when he passed his swallow test at easter.  and he is starting up a month or more of occupational therapy where they will hopefully work on more of the daily skills like getting fork and spoon working to his benefit.  mike takes all this in stride for the most part not getting too excited about therapy stuff.  he is proud of his progress getting the straw and cup to his lips but mostly numbers, evangelism, and money still encompass his passions.  he makes me laugh with his very singular focus at times.  he is also still quite confident that his real progress will come specifically through a quick miraculous healing.

so we pray, michelle z

May 25, 2009 at 11:42 am 13 comments

may 8, 2009

i have been telling people i am on a run-away-from-home vacation.  these last few months have become more than crippling to me.  mike’s needs have grown as he was growing in his ability to eat.  mcKaela and eli’s needs have not shrunk in conjunction and i think these long years of being the only one who makes sure every task gets tended have used me up.  i think all the help we have received from others in different areas like food and babysitting and financial planning certainly pushed off my breaking point a long time.  but it has come.  i have been spent.  so, upon many recommendations, mike asked his parents to come stay with him and the kids, learn how to care for not just some, but all their needs, and allow me to run away.  i have stayed at a friend’s house.  i have worked some (because i do still have those 2 part-time jobs i squish into the mix of responsibilities) but i have sat lots.  i have sorted out long-boarded-up thoughts.  i have read and wondered and listened and slept.  God has kept me company.  i have more than anything just not been required for 4,000 different daily tasks and coordinations.  this past month i have thought, how can i update when i have nothing left to give, when my words escape with no sense?  i still fear this place of brokenness.  this life that requires so much more than i am.  i know our family is supported and encouraged and loved but there is no denying that these days belong to me.  changing and medicine and meals and bathing as well as quality of life things like playgrounds and visitors and playdates and learning to ride a bike– these tasks people will help with but the gaps will fill my days.  i am not bitter.  in fact i am stunned to thanksgiving and speechlessness at once that so many people still continue to answer my calls for help.  but the end of me so recently, this numbing to life has been frightening.  these few days of rest, alone with God, have blessed.  but i admit i know what my days as i return look like and there is fear there.

but in reading an old prayer journal entry from last year i wanted to reclaim the truth for today and these days to come.  “i feel often overwhelmed.  and i don’t wish to deny it.  when we hear it we glue our own expectation of feeling to it–usually negative.  i wish to define it anew.  overwhelmed–tired, busy, loved, entertained, visited, blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed, invested, impassioned, befriended, gifted (given lots of gifts), worn and well-spent.  this might be life to the full if i can wrap my head around it.”

so that is where we are at.  i am there.  the kids are great.  mike is doing well and really enjoying food and company.  thanks for your faithfulness, for continuing to offer us up to the Sustainer, michelle

May 8, 2009 at 3:45 pm 12 comments


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