Archive for December, 2008

12/27/08

i have been thinking i relate a little to the wise men lately.  they know something amazing is happening but the details get a bit blurry.  they know to just keep moving and they are full of certainty that God is doing incredible things worthy of the waiting and walking.  so as they focus on the star, they push forward to find the king of kings.

christmas has been wonderful but easier to absorb after everyone’s been tucked in and the night is calm and and quiet and so am i.  mike has been stretching his travel ability and since he can handle about 4 hours maximum in the wheelchair we can head down for my family stuff in the south suburbs.  2 hours travel time and 2 hours for socializing on christmas eve.  and church on christmas morn.  presents and chaos and singing and some interesting christmas story retellings from a 3 year old’s perspective.  i loved being able to celebrate with family but making christmas happen does seem to take a lot of effort.  so i get worn and it does throw me to go from emotional extremes so quickly… i am so glad to be able to be together, mike healthy and travel able.  yet getting the three of them out the door on an icy morning for church brought out the devil in me.  (not to mention only a brief reprieve from kids being sick with fevers of 104 and highly interrupted sleep.)

so, yeah, late at night, brushing teeth, that’s when i imagine the wise men and the way they just kept going, not knowing what each day would bring, not knowing what the end looks like but the quiet of each night would replenish their hope by the light of the star.  so our days have been full of towering highs and ugly lows and the silent night reminds me of the grace of a savior come close  and the light he spreads to all our days.

merry late christmas and happy early new year!

December 27, 2008 at 8:05 pm 14 comments

12/2/08

my kids are kind of annoying lately with whiny responses, lying, disobedience.  you know, kid stuff.  i consider what i have to talk about, what is occupying our days and this is all that is in my head.  this is why i don’t update often.  if you publish how annoying your kids are it makes it seem like a big deal when really it is just normal life’s ebb and flow.  we had 2 weeks of stomach bug descending on mckaela, me and eli.  mike welcomed an enduring cold instead.  i keep telling him he lucked out but he isn’t totally buying it.  mike is pretty patient with my moodiness.  he bears the cost of the kid’s wearing me out.  some months he seems needier than others.  but the last few weeks he has not joined in the whining in our house.  it has been a welcome reprieve for us relationally to not feel like there are three kids here for me to raise.  i feel like he is on my team again.  maybe he feels like i am on his too.  i am not sure. 

thanksgiving was wonderful.  a family actually cooked and brought over a fabulous dinner for us and mike was wheeled up to the table to eat and enjoy.  he preferred most the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.  and decided he had eaten too much as he laid in bed later.  it was just like normal again!…kind of!  mike’s parents joined us for a long weekend and spruced up our house with various needed projects.  that kind of felt like normal again too–mike was always conniving them into slave labor and i have been too soft on them in recent years.  we were all sad to see them head back to ohio.

i haven’t felt really inspirational lately.  i have been switching to the outside of this experience and keeping up with the websites of some families in our lives experiencing tragedies of their own.  it is strange to sit on the outside looking in on their lives, identifying with much of the mix of emotions, frustrations and surreal feel of life they describe.  it is odd to pray and prod my family into daily prayer for these families.  to hope that i am doing all possible to love them from the distance i am–relationally, physically or ability-wise.  it feels like i ought to have so much more to offer from the places we have been.

mostly i just feel like this life is a miracle.  it is annoying and smelly and tiring and ill-tempered and miraculous.  it makes no sense how it fits together.  how i can want to squish my kids in anger and in love.  how i can find this husband too much and also just what i need.  how there are too many websites listing too much sorrow and there can still be a God that holds the pieces of our hearts together and “binds up our wounds” (Ps 147:3).  i guess i feel like it might be nice if i felt like i had more inspiration to offer but miraculously i also feel ok with simply living in awe day to day that God can work with me– a short-tempered, worn, child myself.  and this miracle of today doesn’t need to make sense and it is no less a miracle when my car smells like vomit or there is another family to pray for or life doesn’t go our way.  i will simply live in awe at how God offers hope in darkest nights during this season of celebrating the hope of the world born into the smelliest place, a barn on earth.

December 2, 2008 at 6:46 pm 11 comments


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