3/21 or literally 3/22/08

March 22, 2008 at 1:15 am 14 comments

i was feeling pretty cranky today. not for any real catastrophic reason. just the annoyances of normal life. kids that are louder than you wish when you are on the phone. the wheelchair adjuster people not calling back to fix mike’s chair up before heading into next week where it will be infinitely more difficult to schedule around mike’s appointments. and then the cable went out thursday night. you can hear the broadcast in mike’s room but not see much through the pixillation? anyway, they gave me the 1-5 window and i promised mike someone would be on the way today and he just had to hang in there and he would only miss a fraction of the basketball games today and then we would be good to go again. at 5:30 tonight i began my comcast quest to track down our no-show guy. by 7 they swore there was no way they could get someone to our house tonight, not even for the pope. i had given them the best sob story i could muster about them stealing mike’s beloved once a year passionate enjoyment of the tournament coverage when there are so few luxuries he is able to hang onto in life. they still couldn’t fix it until between 8-12 tomorrow (although still better than the 1-5 tomorrow time slot they started out trying to pacify me with). so i am cranky (for mike) and also bitter because it had taken extra HOURS of phone calls just to get a big fat NO from them.
then i grabbed hold of my last salvage effort to redeem my evening. i had had to let go of my desire to attend a good friday service in my pursuit of finding a cable repair guy and had figured i would have to stay home and wait anyhow but with no cable guy coming i had 20 minutes to scramble my pokey family into the car so that we could get to that service. then everyone pooped. (proofreading this quickly i realize that i am not supposed to say that but it is one of those things that is uniquely infuriating and unavoidable and makes me crazy and so i don’t know how to describe that reality in any other way than simply saying just what happened). and as the minutes ticked by i knew i could never maneuver them to church. as the service started without us i made a few phone calls and reached a sweet neighbor who literally abandoned her family to come sit with mine.
over these years i have still not mastered the humbling walk of being ridiculously late for church (and everywhere else). you know- the path through everyone so that you distract and every eye turns to you? every single time i ask myself if coming THIS late is really worth it. once i sat i was able to be quiet. to listen. to remember brokenness besides my own on this good friday. and it WAS good. it was so good to rightly mourn the brokenness. to mourn the brokenness in a day that keeps feeling like you’re getting the short stick. to mourn the brokenness in my own selfishness that feels more sorry for me for keeping up than feels sorry for mike for not even being able to get up. (i know i know that that barely made sense). to mourn the brokenness of families. to mourn the brokenness of bodies. to mourn the brokenness of my Saviour. it was so good to rightly mourn in quiet and in song.
after my time there i remembered that today was the 2 year mark of mike’s brain bleed. and it is an odd thing to me to wonder what a reasonable reaction is on such an anniversary. does sadness rule as the response to a day that broke our lives, broke our plans, wounded our relationships? should relief or thanksgiving drive all that out as i praise God for mike’s miraculous recovery thus far despite little realistic hope? how do you strike the right balance between gratitude, perspective, rejoicing and anguish? i still don’t know but it seemed a right pairing to remember the heartbreak of 2 years ago today with the observance of good friday’s heartbreak 2000ish years ago with my Christ on a cross. it is good for me, for us to rightly mourn. and to allow God the opportunity to flush out my own selfish heart with tears and anguish and to make room for his amazing grace. so sleepy and bewildered. but full. peace, michelle

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Entry filed under: updates.

3/12/08 3/25/08 6:00 pm … and all is well.

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sarah Naffziger  |  March 22, 2008 at 8:44 pm

    Michelle,
    Your openness, honesty & way with words always leave me speachless & in awe. You are continuously prayed for, thought about, spoken of, & loved. Happy Easter Zegarski Family.
    Love, The Naffzigers

    Reply
  • 2. Rachel E  |  March 22, 2008 at 10:36 pm

    MIchelle….with tears, I wish you and MIke and your kids – and everyone of us – grace and peace. Happy Easter, friend. love, Rachel

    Reply
  • 3. Bessma  |  March 22, 2008 at 10:54 pm

    Christ Has Risen… He Has Risen Indeed!
    Happy Easter to all of you & Happy Birthday, Mike.

    Reply
  • 4. Jess Lucht  |  March 22, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    Happy Easter Zegarski Family! It’s good to read your thoughts Michelle. Much love to you. Let’s hang out soon, ok?

    Jess Lucht

    Reply
  • 5. Jess Lucht  |  March 22, 2008 at 11:07 pm

    p.s. I just watched the Seinfeld Episode where Kramer decides to “get-even” with the cable company and constantly schedules times for them to come to his house to fix his cable and then purposefully isn’t home when they get there. In the end, the cable guy apologizes to Kramer for all of the hours he had to spending waiting from “1 to 5” only to have him be a no-show.

    All this to say- sorry you had a Seinfeldish day!

    (Although your situation was obviously more frustrating than Kramer’s for a million reasons!)

    Reply
  • 6. Emily  |  March 23, 2008 at 12:01 am

    As always….I am humbled and speechless, moved and embarrassed at my own selfishness….You speak such bold truths that pierce my heart…Thank you for figuratively turning me in the right direction time after time. May His grace continue to cover you day after day.

    Love,

    Emily B.

    Reply
  • 7. Brett Margaron  |  March 23, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    Dear Mike and Michele,

    You are my heros. We think of you almost everyday and continue to be inspired by your past and your future. The pictures of you at the wedding of Matthew and Elizabeth are at a place in our Florida home where we pass by many times a day. How blessed we were to have you there. How grateful we are for your influence in the lives of our children, our lives and the lives of so many.

    May God richest blessings be with your family this Easter!
    Brett and Patti Margaron

    PS could you send us your email address?

    Reply
  • 8. Alan and Amy Wolf  |  March 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Happy Easter Zegarskis and Happy Birthday Mike! You are in our prayers and your blog is a tremendous blessing to us.

    Reply
  • 9. Steve Fisher  |  March 23, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Hello Mike and Michelle:

    I sit here letting your words sink in….they are always so simple and profound. I do not think I mourn Jesus’ broken body – or mourn for you – for the broken lives, the broken plans, the wounded relationships….I am too busy worrying about light and momentary troubles. I am sorry for being so petty.

    I am still praying for resurrection – for Mike being fully restored. For your lives being restored. For your plans being restored, enhanced and fulfilled. For all your relationships to be healed and restored.

    Love,

    Steve

    Reply
  • 10. Stephanie Holland  |  March 23, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    Michelle,
    Easter service was so beautiful today–seeing Don give Mike communion, probably the first and only food he’s had in two years. The best nourishment there is. As I watched, I was hearing Mike’s words from the video that we just watched on Thursday at WBS, “I love Christ and I love kids.” Just sums up his life, before and after.

    I never knew him before, but he can count me among his new friends. The living, breathing power of Christ is so evident in how Mike is still reaching people for Christ. With love, Stephanie Holland

    Reply
  • 11. Beth Ann Hunter  |  March 24, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    Thanks again for your amazing honesty and in the midst of Easter may you know the ressurection is so much greater than the good fridays.

    Hang in there, I think I read these last few days/next few are exciting in treatments so I pray all will go well for you all.

    God’s blessings, Beth Ann

    Reply
  • 12. Sarah Nixdorf  |  March 24, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Yaay for Mike and the whole Zegarski family. The Easter service was so awesome. I skipped out on Good Friday service(feeling a little sick). But i did remember to do a little communion before work
    /read my Bible ect. and thankful that God’s brought your family and mine so far. …But you Father knows you need these things…
    When jesus was looking at the sinful woman, he didn’t see the disease, but he saw repentance. When he was looking at the tax collector’s booth, he saw a person wanting to throw a party for
    his friends to come meet Jesus. The guy on the cross, I of Jesus,
    …he has done NO wrong.. was right about one thing, but then on Easter morning, the secret revealed, no more hiding, a Risen Messiah, A RISEN LORD. HALLEJUAH!!THE SAVIOUR IS ALIVE!
    THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED. May that be true for your family.

    Hey, MIke Keep going your almost there, may that angels and God keep cheering as you and your family run the race for HIM.
    DEATH CANNOT HOLD US. I’m sorry, been sermonizing.
    SECRET REVEALED.
    SATAN:ZERO.
    I know the plans i HAVE for YOU,-GOD.
    VICTORIOUS!!AWESOME GOD!!
    May the whole family rest in the fact of a RISEN LAMB FROM
    THE TOMB. Keep going, mike Z. and family.
    If you want to get to freedom keep going-H Tubman.

    Reply
  • 13. Nancy rice  |  March 25, 2008 at 9:17 am

    i love how your m ind works and how your fingers fly on the keyboard to keep up! i love that you ponder such deep feelings and allow God’s confirmation that indeed it is good to ponder, to feel and specifically to grieve. i love the process and i love the God you love who created it! Rock on, woman of God!

    Reply
  • 14. Jenelle Landgraf  |  April 1, 2008 at 12:49 am

    Hi Mike and Michelle,

    I’m catching up on your posts, Michelle. As usual, your words are touching and humbling.

    It was so nice to spend time at your home last week – thanks for pulling out the old pictures – it was so fun to see how goofy and young we all looked! 🙂 Though many years have passed, you and Mike still have an amazing way of making us feel welcome and showing us Christ’s love.

    We continue to pray and believe in God’s healing power.

    Love,
    Torrey and Jenelle

    Reply

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