barely 10/30/07

October 30, 2007 at 12:30 am 8 comments

we have a surgical followup appointment today. And we have a marianjoy rehabilitation evaluation appointment Nov 7 next week. i assume today will be uneventful as they check how wounds are healing. and my hope for next week is that they will see great potential for mike and admit him as inpatient for the usual month or so. my hope is not that rehab will “fix” mike in any way (that is a long-term , babystep proposition still), but i do hope it will motivate, invigorate, encourage him to pour his whole heart into getting better. it is hard to interpret him as i sit on the sidelines of his life. what i perceive is listlessness. i see him sometimes talking aloud, anunciating, then falling back to a garbled whisper. i bully and push and demand his efforts and i don’t see consistent gain. he is pain free and my life is easier because of it but mike doesn’t share much aloud about how it makes a difference with him. to be honest, it is almost as frustrating to me as when he was in pain. i want him to do more, to be more grateful, to praise God. and i have a hard time being patient or compassionate when i feel so sure he could try harder, especially now that he is virtually pain-free. but the truth is i have no real proof he is not doing his best, only my best guess. so my prayer today is not as much for these physical gains that i have been grasping after but for an emotional and relational connection between mike and i. i feel distant and annoyed with him and can offer little gracious encouragement when i am coming at him with perpetual judgement. as i thought again today about what options i have to kick his butt into action i realized i was not truly surrendering his attitude and my disappointment with him to God. i want mike to do things my way but how different to ask God to change ME to best serve us both, not to change mike. truly, i don’t feel like i should have to change at all but that’s usually my best clue that i am all in the wrong and desperately in need of God’s transforming grace. so, against my best judgement, i guess i can ask you to ask God to change me, to give me more gentleness, more grace, more love, all that i lack, to share with mike. and that God would have charge of mike’s heart and drive as well. amen, michelle

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Entry filed under: updates.

10/21/07 11:15 pm 11/7/07

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Susan Patton  |  October 30, 2007 at 5:56 am

    Michelle,
    Thank you for all of your heartfelt honesty during all the many months~you will never know how you speak to so many. I am wondering now what kind of a world (or even home) we would live in if we all asked God to “change me” and not the ususal “change them?” Thanks for the challenge you ahve issued to all of us!
    Grace and Peace,
    Susan

    Reply
  • 2. Melissa & Chad  |  October 30, 2007 at 8:32 am

    May you see , hear, and feel the Holy Spirit wash upon you as you have sought the Lord. As you expressed your heart, I was reminded of what I have been studying in an Apples of Gold bible study about submission. In your blog James 3:13-18 was played out in real life as you humbley shared your struggle with your will versus the will and soveriengty of God. God has given you wisdom and understanding. May you tangibly feel his mercy, compassion, strength, and love for you today and may that spill over to Mike. Melissa

    Reply
  • 3. Matt Koupal  |  October 30, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    Hey Michelle:

    I completely identify with your frustrations. Our son Luke takes me there on a regular basis as I wonder if he does inappropriate things (or lack of appropriate things) because he doesn’t understand or can’t comply due to his disabilities? Or is he just scamming me as he is wont to do? If I push him harder will he progress faster, or become more isolated and discouraged? Being a full pedal-down person, I go all out one way, then the other, then both at the same time- augering myself into the ground. After 15 plus years of this, I’m still learning patience, balance and reliance on God’s wisdom and mercy. Incremental baby-step progress is not what I want but it’s what God has given us thus far. Looking backward I can see how far we’ve come, but I sure don’t see it day-to-day.

    Sometimes I read through waterfall eyes Revelation 21: ” And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

    Then I envision Luke with no pain, full hearing, full comprehension, abundant friendships and complete fulfillment. Then I wipe my eyes, blow my nose, pray for wisdom, and get back to finding joy at my assignment from God to parent this incredible boy.

    So I’ll pray for you not for so much for ease of travel but for strength sufficient to your journey with your beloved until everything is made new.

    Looking ahead to newness most of the time,

    Matt

    Reply
  • 4. Nancy Rice  |  October 31, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Hey, Michelle – your wide-open heart speaks loudly of the radical heart-transformation God longs to accomplish in ALL of us! I’m with you!!!!!

    WA-HOO!! Stand firm, girlfriend!

    Reply
  • 5. Debby Baumhower  |  November 2, 2007 at 5:54 pm

    My heart goes out to you, Michelle. Sounds like your rock (of faith) is teetering on the precipice. But, from all I’ve read that you’ve written, your faith overwhelms me and makes me so ashamed. You make me realize how I need to practice my faith MORE!!
    God bless you in your trials, God bless you in your faith!

    lv, db

    Reply
  • 6. Liz Fay  |  November 3, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    hey there– this might not be the place, but I know you won’t mind. i think you should post some of those super-fun fall/tree/outside pics that you showed me last week. not a ton, but just some of the fun family ones so people can see how great your fam looks.

    LOVEyou.

    Reply
  • 7. Emily  |  November 7, 2007 at 12:25 pm

    As always I am convicted by your words….and need to look carefully at my own sinful nature….thank you for the beautiful reminder! I pray that today goes very, very well and that Mike is ready for time at Marionjoy again.

    Love,

    Emily

    Reply
  • 8. Jennifer Knaak  |  November 11, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    Michelle, thanks for continuing to put down your thoughts for all of us to read! You’ll never know the difference they are making. What a blessing you are! What a privilege it is to pray for you, to be blessed by you. I am so encouraged by you. Thank you. Thank you.

    Miss You,
    Jennifer

    Reply

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